300: A Brief

Ok, this isn't really short. However, it is a brief because I left out all of the reasons I initially refused to watch this movie.

Well, most of it has already been said....

I'll avoid mentioning the gross historical inaccuracies because those of you who know me have already heard my tirade, and those of you who don't wouldn't enjoy it nearly as much without all the sarcastic little inflections of my voice. The one thing I do wish they had done, though, was entered in the original prophecy from Herotodus (one of the kings of Sparta had to die to ensure a Greek victory), because the entire movie is fatalistic and everyone knows that all of the good guys (well, the only guys--seriously, if you watched this movie to learn about Persia, you'd think they were all mutants, freaks, or she-males) are going to die.

Anyway, the graphics and violence were very, very sexy, especially scenes like the bit where all these dudes get pushed off a cliff. (I did see this in the IMAX, though.) To go with the pretty visuals are lots of good quotes and many, many abs and pecs.

It was quite surreal, but funny. I swear I got a testosterone rush from watching it--and I'm not even male, all slanderous libel to the contrary. :P

List of good quotes (seriously, all of these need context, otherwise they're not half as entertaining):
THIS...IS...SPARTA! (No, I really can't get enough of that. Hahaha. How much more testosterone-driven can you get?)
Tonight, we dine in Hell.
It is not the lash they fear; it is my divine power.
Then we will fight in the shade. (This is actually from Herodotus. Yay!)

...Damn, there aren't as many good quotes as there are good scenes (and by good, I mean funny). Of course, mentioning the good scenes ruins it for the people who haven't seen the movie, so DON'T READ THIS if you are planning to see the movie and haven't already:
Boy stroking the suspiciously phallic lambda on a shield
People getting pushed off a cliff ("They look thirsty!")
Elephants getting pushed off a cliff
Xerxes getting lashed--ok, basically every scene with Xerxes in it. The guy was such a fruit--which he definitely was not in reality, and I'm getting dangerously close to a tirade at this point. Evidently college boys are supposed to feel uncomfortable at the prospect of being anally penetrated by his godly penis.
Theron getting owned by Leonidas' wife (did she have a name at all??)
Shower of arrows
Dude getting limb hacked off
Wall of bodies falling on the "Immortals" (why the fuck were they samuraininjafreaks?)

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