Reasons why I tailgate you, Wisconsin drivers

Note, this really applies to everyone. Especially you, dipshit bitch from Nebraska who was not only going 45mph but was also somehow so far off the road you were driving over the rocks. Which were, by the way, hitting my car.

Oh, also this applies to the multiple Iowans who don't understand the concept of not driving the speed limit on a highway. Even if it's a construction zone, you stupid shits.

So far I've only encountered one dumbass Illinois driver who didn't understand the concept of 'multiple lanes'. I haven't driven that much in California, but I'm sure I'm the idiot who didn't undertand merging into traffic for one guy (and otherwise, just another California driver, if maybe a bit cautious--hey, that car's a rental, damnit). Oh, and Washington drivers have all the aggression of California drivers plus eight times the asshole. Believe me, I was busy tailgating some Washington license plated douchebag here (30 mph in a 35 zone in Wisconsin? Fuck you) and 1) the passenger decided to stick his middle finger out and wave it all around like some self-entitled diva princess, and then 2) when they finally decided to turn (which thanks for signaling after you were out in the intersection, by the way) they made sure to block the path forward.

We had a similar experience in the state itself, where we were getting honked at for not merging into heavy Seattle-bound traffic while simultaneously being denied entry by the toolbags in the right lane. Seriously, Washington drivers are almost as obnoxious as Massachusetts drivers.

Oh, but yeah, anyway. One of the things you need to understand about Wisconsin is that--and I check this every time I go to visit my parents--the speed limits are consistently 15mph lower than those for equivalent roads in Illinois. Like, seriously, there's this amazing recently repaved wide road with two lanes and the extra curb lane for bikes, right turns, and buses and its limit is 30. Granted this doesn't stop dipshits from drifting into the other lanes anyway, so maybe Wisconsin needs this.

But the point was, really, that you can safely go 10mph over and it's fine. Basically like going 5mph over in states like Illinois and California.

So yeah. This is why I'm tailgating your sorry ass right the fuck now:

  • It's not tailgating, it's driving in traffic. This has got to be the only city where people actually keep a full car's length between them and the next car when going 25.
  • You tried to be cute by doing that thing where you only speed up when I'm trying to pass you and then go back to the speed limit. You know what? I signal before I change lanes. It's a courtesy thing. If you want to be a cunt about it, fine. Two can play that game.
  • I thought you were about to switch lanes because you were drifting over the line, and people don't signal here half the time anyway.
  • I didn't know you were going to change lanes because you didn't signal.
  • You just cut me off, you dumb toolbox. So I try not to accelerate too fast because it wastes gas, and this leads people to think that I'm not going to be going faster than them in the next ten seconds. NO.
  • Your brights are on.
  • You're driving a giant fucking SUV.
  • I'm not convinced you're awake.
  • I am an impatient asshole.
 Pretty sure I forgot a couple of things, but whatever.

1 comment:

nonculture said...

Ah yes...Wisconsin. I talk about Tomah/LaCrosse quite a bit in my first book, but other than it being beautiful and boring, Wisonsin did always have drivers obeying speed limits on very, very hidden roads. Which mystified me.

In any case, bookmarked. Interested to see what transpires.